Love

I'll be honest. I have had my fair share of ups and downs in the past few months. Life isn't always easy and I'm finding this out more and more with each passing day. I was inspired to write today because I feel like I can express myself better this way rather than in person. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but I don't really care. Truth is, sometimes I say things and right after, I'm like "why did I say this?" I know I'm not the only one that does this, but I feel like I second-guess myself way too much. I overestimate things and worry. This is a constant battle and I'm trying to fight it as hard as I can. Most times I feel that I am alone in doing this, but I know that everyone does the same, even though they may be better at hiding it than I am.

That being said, despite my faults, I love. I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form. I have weaknesses. However, if I had to name one of my biggest strengths, it is the ability to love. I have so much love to give and often times, I feel like I have nowhere to put it. I'm not just talking about romantic love, but all kinds of love. Love is an interesting thing. It can be as sweet as sugar, but it can sting like a bee. I have been through a lot when it comes to love. Lately, I wonder if I will ever truly find love. I worry that I won't find someone that will match my ability to love. These are thoughts that overcome me and haunt me while I'm trying to do the simplest of tasks. I cannot shake them. I have simply become obsessed with the idea.

Remember when you were little and you got a double scoop of chocolate ice cream in a big waffle cone on a hot, summer day? Remember how happy and content you were when you got it? Well, you're eating it and you are feeling the rich, creamy, caloric goodness on your tongue and then all of a sudden, your ice cream drops to the ground. Remember that devastating feeling you experienced when that happened? This is how I've felt lately. Have you ever had something so perfect for just a split second and then it suddenly disappeared? I have. The question I have been asking myself recently is "how do you come back from that?" The answer, my friends, is love.

I have found that you have to be able to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, you won't be able to let go of anything that has hurt you in the past. You deserve the very very best. All of you. You, my friend, who is taking sweet time out of your day to read my post, deserve the absolute best. I don't care who you are. I don't care if you are my worst enemy. I wish the best for everyone because I believe that they deserve happiness. Don't waste your time wondering what could be and what could have been. You will make yourself sick and exhausted. You will miss things going on around you and later, you may look back with regret. Live in the moment. Try to be optimistic no matter what is going on right now in your life. Today is your day. Live it to the fullest. Don't dwell on the past. Don't let those who have made you feel small win. You are stronger than you think you are.

If you take anything from this blog post, I hope you know that you are loved. You may not feel loved in the way you want to feel loved and that's okay. Don't beat yourself up. You deserve the best. :)

Never Let Me Go

Today, I saw a movie. It is called "Never Let Me Go". Please do yourselves a favor and go see this. This is the first movie I have seen in a while that I have actually felt myself emotionally connect to the characters.

The acting was phenomenal. Can I just say that if someone asked me right now who my favorite NEW actor/actress was, my answers would be Andrew Garfield and Carey Mulligan. My goal is to see every film each of them has been in. Andrew recently blew me away in "The Social Network" and Carey did the same for me with her Oscar-nominated performance in last year's "An Education". I predict that each of these actors will be very successful in the future.

Another thing about this film: the score. The score is so beautiful and I could listen to it all day. Music is something that is crucial to a film. It sets the mood and helps everything flow together. I am a sucker for movie scores and this one has definitely won my heart.

The setting/location of this film was absolutely breathtaking. It was filmed in England and Scotland. These are two places I am so desperately wanting to visit. Ever since I was little, I've been obsessed with British music, literature, and films. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm just naturally drawn to them. I really hope I can visit the school that was used as Hailsham, the school in the film. I wish I could have gone to a boarding school that looked like that.

I don't want to go into too much detail about the film because it can easily be spoiled. It is an emotional rollercoaster that will literally throw you for a loop. Just go see it. You won't regret it. :)

running away won't change anything, it only puts it off...

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you don't know how to say it?

Have you ever wanted to just ask someone "why?"

Have you ever met someone who made you feel?

Have you ever been in an awkward situation and tried not to make it awkward?

Have you ever tried to fix someone in a broken state?

Have you ever wanted to fix someone?

Have you ever been truly happy and satisfied?

Have you ever believed in love?

Have you ever given up on someone?

Have you ever compared someone to another person?

Have you ever judged someone without knowing what's really going on with them?

Have you ever taken your thoughts to a blog because you don't know how to express yourself?

Have you ever given someone a second chance?

Have you ever thought about how your actions affect another person?

Have you ever thought about how the other person's actions are affecting you?

Have you ever?

It's a GREAT day!

Well, on Friday, I am going to embark on a new journey in my life. I've been hired to be a camp counselor for Junior Camp (a week-long session) at one of the best places on Earth, Camp Greystone. I attended this camp for 3 years when I was in middle school. It was one of the best experiences of my life and I am excited to come back and experience it from a different point-of-view. I must admit that I am quite nervous since this will be the first time I have ever worked with children. I have been doing a lot of praying recently that I will make a positive impact on each of these girls during our time together at camp. I'm also praying that God will open my heart and purify my mind and that this experience will ultimately draw me closer to Him again. I am human and I fall short sometimes, but I am ready to fully give myself to Him once again. I've been struggling with this decision for quite a long time and I believe that sometimes you have to experience things that make you realize other things. Truth is, whenever I smell a summer thunderstorm approaching, whenever I laugh with my sister, or whenever I see flowers in full bloom, I cannot help but know that I am looking straight into the face of God. I know that I have been putting Him aside for so long, but I can't do that anymore. He has been testing me for a couple of years and I have learned so much about myself and others. I have been able to master the art of putting myself into others' shoes and learning to put my needs second. I have learned that my true friends will support me in anything I decide to do, while other friends will disappoint me. I am working hard to return to where I stood with God a few years ago and I know that I will reach that point again someday soon. I pray that these kids and this experience will contribute to this journey in my life that is most important. I am a sinner, but I know that God's grace has saved me and no one can take that away from me. There is no greater gift that I will ever receive. I am no longer living for myself or for others. I am taking that brave step and will strive to live my life for Him. Please pray for me as I start this incredible journey on Friday. I love you all and I thank God for you every day.

"Madge-ical"

I'm writing this blog about one of my favorite shows on TV right now. It's a little show called "Glee". You might have heard of it. They did an episode dedicated to Madonna last night and it was, for lack of a better word, EPIC. This episode was so good that it will probably be nominated for an Emmy or another Golden Globe. Not only is the music on this show amazing, but the writers deserve a lot of credit for making this show what it is. I haven't been this impressed with writing in a show since "30 Rock" and "The Office". The one-liners are spot-on and very quotable. The costumes are fantastic as well. I really can't think of anything negative to say about this show.

On another note, Madonna songs have been stuck in my head ALL day. More specifically, "Like A Prayer" and the mash-up of "Borderline" and "Open Your Heart". This episode was even better for me because I'm a Broadway addict and my favorite Broadway performer, Jonathan Groff, was in this episode. His voice is like butter. I've also had the privilege of seeing him perform live on a Broadway stage 3 times and even better, I've met him 3 times. He is such a nice, down-to-earth guy and I'm glad he's on this show. It's also interesting to see him and Lea Michele work together again. I've also seen Lea perform 3 times on Broadway. If you didn't know, Jonathan and Lea played the lead roles in my favorite musical, "Spring Awakening". If you like their song together from last week's episode, "Hello", you should go to iTunes and download the songs, "The Word of Your Body" and "The Guilty Ones" from the original cast recording of "Spring Awakening". Or I could email them to you. Whatever works :)

If you don't watch "Glee", I strongly encourage you to watch it. I would suggest to start with last night's episode. Be careful though! It will more than likely suck you in.

Friends and slushies

Today was a day worth blogging about. First, I woke up this morning around 8:30 and went to breakfast with my whole family at Cracker Barrel. I spent a weekend with my entire family, but mostly my sister, because my mom had to work and my dad was playing in a tennis tournament. Times with my whole family are rare, except in the summer. Charlotte and I are ready for summer. I can speak for Charlotte when I say that she is ready because as a former boarding school student, right now is the time where kids get antsy. They are tired of school and ready to come home. Imagine being 16 years old and feeling like you're in college. Being 4 hours away from home and your family and pets can be quite tough at times. As for me, I'm just ready to be done with school. I'm tired and I need a break. It looks like I'm going to be at home this summer and that's okay with me. I guess some things, such as internships, aren't meant to be. Well, at least for this summer. I have another year until I graduate too, so technically, I'm a junior. Maybe I'm going to be at home this summer for a reason. I look at it as making up lost time while I was at boarding school. Hopefully, I will have a job though.

I got back to Raleigh around 1 PM and Mom, Charlotte, and I went to Whole Foods to get some lunch. My dad had to stay back home because he was playing in his tennis tournament again. For those of you who don't know, my dad is REALLY good at tennis. He's a South Carolina state champion and he takes it pretty seriously. He plays every weekend. I'm proud of him. :) Anyway, after we ate, Mom and Charlotte dropped me off at school and they took off for Virginia. At 3 PM, I headed down to the soccer field to see one of my best friends, Maggie, who was in town visiting and "refereeing" for the powderpuff football game that was supposed to happen today. Well, when I got there, I discovered that the seniors (with the exception of 2) hadn't showed up to play, so they forfeited and the juniors won.

Maggie and our friends, Katie, Sam, and Kourtney decided to meet Kiran at the Royal Bean for slushies. We stayed there for about an hour just talking and laughing at random stuff. It was a lot of fun talking to everyone, especially Maggie and Katie because I haven't seen them in so long. I don't think I mentioned this earlier, but they are Meredith alums. Then, we left and headed over to the apartments and went to see our friend, Kasey. We stayed and talked to her for a while and then we headed back. Maggie had to go so she dropped us off. It was really good to see her today. I really needed that. I've missed her a lot. Also, it made me really miss one of my best friends, Elise, who could not be here today due to the fact that she now lives in West Palm Beach, FL. However, she was there in spirit!

After that, my mom came back through Raleigh and I met her for dinner at Moe's. She couldn't stay long because she had to drive another 2 and a half hours back home. My parents have done a TON of driving in the past 6 years. I seriously don't know what I would do without them. So, I headed back to school and got settled in. I decided at around 9:30 that I really wanted some ice cream so my friend, Beth and I went and got some ice cream. Today was a REALLY good day. It was jam-packed full of family and friends. Days like these are the reason I live. If y'all are reading this, I love you guys. :)

SPEECHLESS

Well, today was amazing and I am going to tell you why. There are a few reasons why it was great. I'll start with the fact that it's Wednesday which means there are only 2 more weekdays left. It also means that I only have one class and it's at 12. I did something really awesome today. After class, I went to eat lunch at Panera Bread by myself. I rarely eat meals by myself but I did today and it was very refreshing. I like going places where no one knows who I am and I don't see anyone that I know. That is rare for me because I am from a very small town. It was fun and I am one of those people who enjoy people-watching. I get that trait from my mother. It's not creepy, it's just simply observing. While I was eating lunch, I was reading Twitter updates on my phone. For those of you who know me well, you know that I love Twitter and I am kind of addicted. I follow one of the local radio stations in Raleigh, G105, and I saw that they tweeted that they were giving away Lady Gaga tickets today at 4PM. I typed a reminder into my BlackBerry to pop up at 3:45 to remind me. However, I didn't have much trouble remembering. Again, those of you who know me well know that I enjoy Lady Gaga's music and her outfits. She is one of my favorite artists at the moment and I was worried that I couldn't get these tickets because they were super expensive. I believe the cheapest ticket was around $60 and located in the nosebleeds.

At 3:45 I went to the G105 website and started listening online. Now it was torture for me because everyone knows they play the exact same 10 songs over and over and over and over again. I actually never listen to the radio. I prefer listening to my iPod in my car. And in the meantime, I was watching the cast of one of my favorite TV shows "Glee" on Oprah. So, I had the radio and TV going and I was trying to listen to both at the same time. Being a person with ADD, this was very hard for me but it somehow worked. Turns out, they didn't announce that they were giving away the tickets until during the "Drive at 5". I was discouraged because I thought that many people would be calling in because a lot of people listen to this station and they were doing it during 5:00 traffic. However, I was going to try anyway. They finally announced it and the DJ said something like "OK we're now giving away Ga..." and right when I heard that, I started dialing. It rang and rang and rang and rang and RANG for seriously 3 minutes and then someone picked up. I'm assuming it was the DJ, but I don't really know. Anyway, she said "Hi, who is this?" and I said "MOLLY". She asked "Molly who?" and I told her my last name. She asked me if I had ever won anything before and I told her "No". She then informed me that I was the winner of Lady Gaga tickets and I kind of screamed/freaked out a little and told her that "she had made my month". I was so excited that I forgot to ask her where the seats were located in the venue, if they were VIP/backstage passes, and how many tickets I won. She took my phone number and address and she said she would call me at a later date. I'm still in shock right now, or "Speechless" like my favorite Lady Gaga song. It was crazy!

After that, I decided that I was craving Bojangles' and I haven't had it in a year. I went and got some dinner from there and came back to school and ate, but then I felt disgusting so I went to the gym. I ran 2 miles and burned 200 calories. Again, if you know me, you know I don't eat fast food that often and that processed food freaks me out. I feel better after my run. I'm so psyched I got a run in today. I always feel better after a run/workout, but then again, everyone does. YAY endorphins!!

Now, it's time for me to go to bed. Hopefully, I will dream about something pleasant like my Lady Gaga tickets or treadmills. I've been known to have some crazy dreams/nightmares. Sorry this blog was so long, but I had to get every detail in here so I can look back and remember. I have a bad short-term memory, which is why I have a blog in the first place. :)

Weekend Update (no, not the one from SNL)

It's been a while since I've blogged! I've been trying to blog on a regular basis but life gets in the way, of course. And life is definitely more important than blogging. That being said, my life has been pretty good recently. I'm really happy and I feel like my old self. It's been a while since I've been able to truly say that. I owe it to my friends, some new friends, supportive family, good music, continuing to open my mind to new things, choosing to accept others despite their differences, and just being positive every day.

This weekend was a great one. We celebrated my new friend, Sam's 21st birthday. It was so much fun and everyone had a good time. I was invited to her house for a cookout on Saturday afternoon. Her parents are total sweethearts and man, can they cook! After some yummy food and plenty of laughs, I headed back to school to get ready to go out that night. We went out to a sports bar in Raleigh called Hi5 to continue Sam's birthday festivities. I met a few of her friends and there were some Meredith girls there that I already knew. That place was pretty fun and the food was good for a sports bar. Also, Meghan made some amazing cupcakes that I devoured. Haha.

On Sunday, I did some schoolwork and stuff. It was pretty boring, but at least I was productive. Today was pretty long because I had to do my bridal collection for Apparel Design Development. I'm glad it's over with though. Only 2 more collections to go! I'll post a picture of it so you can see. :)

I can't wait for Easter Break to start in 3 days. It's been about 2 weeks since we came back from Spring Break and I'm already in need of another one. I'm also anxiously waiting to hear back from Lilly Pulitzer to see if I got the internship. I hear back on April 5. It's getting close! It's a really competitive internship (supposedly 500 people from each state apply) but I'm staying positive and optimistic. :)

Well, it's off to bed for me. I don't know if anyone reads this, but if you do, thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say. You are a true friend.

Bruises and Blisters

I will start off by saying that today was a very good day. I went to class (I only have one class on Wednesdays) and then I had to do a survey for Statistics class in the dining hall. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. My partner and I just went around and asked 20 girls what class they were in and how many credit hours they were taking for their major this semester. Then, I texted my friend, Katelyn and asked her what she was doing and she told me she was about to go for a walk around Lake Johnson and that I should go. So I decided I would go because I hadn't seen her in a while and I missed her. Well, without thinking, I didn't go back to my room and get any tennis shoes. I just left right away and told her I would meet her at her apartment. On the way to her apartment, I somehow got extremely lost and ended up driving through State's campus when I was supposed to be going down Gorman Street. After about 20 minutes, I found her apartment and we took her brother's dog, Sunny for a walk around the lake. Well, I was expecting this lake to be pretty small. Boy, was I wrong! The thing was HUGE! And I had on Tory Burch flats! Anyway, it was a lovely walk - complete with hills - and I got a pretty decent workout, but I could tell I was going to get blisters later on. We walked about 4 miles. After the walk, we went to Tropical Smoothie Cafe where I enjoyed a smoothie with Splenda (Elise would be so proud haha) and Katelyn enjoyed a smoothie and a sesame chicken salad. We spent about 30 minutes there. It was such a beautiful day today so we sat outside in the sunshine. After that, I met my friend/future roommate, Mary at Oberlin Court. We are hopefully going to be living there next year. We turned in our applications today and we're on the waiting list. Anyway, that took about 30 minutes and then we went back to school where they were having dinner in the courtyard. This is one of my favorite things about school and Spring. We have dinners outside and they are so much fun. Mary and I ended up eating with Sam and her suitemate, Alicia. It was a good time. We stayed out there for about an hour and I inhaled a piece of key lime pie. It was SO good. Then, I came back to my room and did some homework, took a shower, and watched American Idol because Miley performed tonight. I talked to a few people online and my friend, Trey actually came by and picked me up and we went on a short Cookout run. That was fun. And now, I am about to wrap this up and go to bed. I have had a great day that was jam-packed with laughs with friends. I don't think I could ask for anything more. :)

Back to the blisters, I have recently just noticed that they are REALLY bad so I washed them with warm water and soap and put some Neosporin on them. I have been getting hurt a lot recently. Last night, I was wearing my pink bedroom shoes from Target that I always wear around my room. Sometimes, I like to slide around on the hardwood floors in my room and do "Risky Business" moves. And by "sometimes", I mean all the time. I don't know why. I think it's some sort of habit. Anyway, I slid a little too much last night and I ended up falling and hitting my shoulder on my dresser. I don't know how I managed to do that, but I did and I laughed very hard at myself.

Okay, I'm going to bed now. It's past my bedtime. Goodnight :)

Turning over a new leaf

Today was a pretty productive day. I went to class and I printed out copies of my resume to take to some boutiques around town today. I ended up distributing my resume to 6 different boutiques. I hope I get a "bite" because I would really love to have a job/internship this summer. I don't really care if it's paid or unpaid at this point, but I would just like to gain some experience, if anything. I'm really going to try and push through these next 2 weeks. I'm trying to eat healthier, study harder, manage my time more wisely, and be more active. Also, I'm starting to go to bed at a decent hour. I'm finding that I feel a lot better and I can get more done during the day. Another important thing I'm doing is drinking more water throughout the day. It is really amazing what H20 can do for you if you get enough of it. I didn't make it to the gym today but I'm going to go tomorrow. I was busy with other things today but I won't bore you with the details of my exciting life. I'm finding that this blog is quite therapeutic in some ways. Not that I need therapy or anything, but it's just nice to write some things down and reflect on the day. I finished with my homework pretty early tonight. I just had to read a few pages for Microeconomics and African American Writers.

On another note, I'd like to say that I just recently arrived back at school yesterday from a great and much-needed Spring Break. Can I just say that my parents are super awesome? Seriously, they have no idea how much I love them, but I do. We had a great break together and my mom took off work to hang out with me and my dad didn't play as much tennis as he usually does. I think they have really missed me this semester since I'm not there like I was last semester. Also, Charlotte came home from South Africa and we got to hang out for 2 days. We went to see a movie ("Remember Me", if you haven't seen it, go check it out NOW...not even kidding!) and we got pedicures. I don't know how she did it because she was jet-lagged, but she did. When I got back from Paris, it was all I could do to not fall asleep at random for about 2 weeks after I got back. Jet-lag and I don't get along. Anyway, she had a great time on her trip and I think that she learned a lot. I am so thrilled that my little sister gets to see the world. She is getting the opportunity to broaden her horizons and to open her mind to everything that's around her - good and bad. That is a beautiful thing.

Anyway, I'm done rambling for tonight. Wow, this post was long. If you got through to the very end, you are a true friend indeed. :)

Purple

Today, I noticed something I had never noticed before. I own a lot of things that are the color purple. I'm beginning to think that my favorite color might be changing from green to purple! *gasp* No, actually my favorite color changes a lot. Oddly enough, I first made this observation while I was in the shower tonight. My shampoo and conditioner are purple and they come in purple bottles. Also, my razor is purple. My fingernails and toenails are even purple! When I got out of the shower, I put on my new terrycloth Juicy Couture violet pants. By the way, these are the most comfortable pants EVER. Well worth the investment, if you ask me. Although, my mom does get a discount at Belk, where she works, and I got them at a discounted price. Go Mom! I also noticed that the bag I carry my books in is purple. I know you are wondering "why are you just noticing this?" Well, I find myself not very observant when I need to be and then one day, I all of a sudden start noticing things out of the blue. I do this a lot. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that this can be applied to everyday life. If we don't open our eyes and just stop and look around, we might not notice things that are even the most obvious to us. We should all take a moment each day to reflect on our lives and observe the things that are going on around us. This is something I'm going to start working on. I believe that life is too short to keep on living each day by routine. Mix it up and you might discover something about yourself that you never noticed before. I encourage you all to join me. I'll keep you posted if I discover something that is particularly interesting. It's funny how a little thing, such as a color, can be so big. :)

Valentine's Day Blues

I got a text from a guy who I used to like this past summer and it was him basically saying that he wanted to meet me halfway this weekend. Well, this weekend just so happens to be Valentine's Day weekend. I informed him that I would not be driving anywhere and if he wanted to see me, he could drive here. I'm sorry, but I am sick and tired of guys thinking that I am ~that girl~ who will drop everything and go see them. It's not my fault that you are lonely on Valentine's Day. That's your own damn fault. You could have very well had me back in the year, but you decided to keep on being a douche and talking to other girls. You can't have your cake and eat it too. How about trying to be a man for once and try to date one girl at a time and stop talking to 3 other ones on the side. How hard is that? If you can't do that now, I'm not so sure you're going to be faithful in your marriage. This is why I choose to stay away from you. Any girl who decides to wait for you while you're going through this ~stage~ is a blithering insecure idiot. I can do way better than you anyway. How about stop trying to flirt with me and just be my friend. I don't want to be more than friends. I don't trust you or anything that comes out of your mouth. You only know how to talk to girls through text message anyway. GROW UP.

Spring Awakening

I just want everyone to know that my favorite musical, Spring Awakening, is coming to Durham Performing Arts Center (DPAC) on March 2-7. Tickets are on sale now at www.ticketmaster.com. Get your tickets today because they are going fast! It is the winner of 8 Tony Awards including Best Musical and Best Score. I have seen it 3 times in New York and I was blown away every time!

Here is a YouTube clip one of my favorite songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDtc9ZoQLmw